Conner Howell

My name is Conner Howell. In 2014, I bullied, taunted, and verbally abused a young black woman about race over the Internet. I want to start by saying there are no excuses for what I said, and that racism of any kind should never be tolerated. Among other hurtful things, I told another human being that their opinion mattered less than mine solely because of the color of their skin. Even repeating that makes me cringe as the statement is wrong on so many levels. Giving voice to that thought will be something I regret for the rest of my life. I knew I was saying something I didn’t believe, but that doesn’t diminish the offense: the fact that I was willing to say something so hurtful.  That I could have been so cruel to someone fills me with disgust for the person that I was.  Is cruelty to another human through the weaponization of prejudice, any better than actually being prejudice yourself?  I think so, but just barely.
Looking back, I acknowledge that at that point in my life I didn’t realize the extent to which there is an inherent privilege to being white in our society and a disadvantage to being a person of color. I don’t know if it was due to a lack of exposure because of my privileged upbringing, or that I turned a blind eye towards it, or that I simply didn’t want to accept it as a reality in our country. It is embarrassing and it fills me with shame to think about that now because those truths are so painfully obvious to me today. Systemic racism has plagued people of color since our country’s founding and continues to do so. As I said, though, there are no excuses for saying what I did. Ignorance, immaturity, being a bully, none of that makes it okay, and I should have been a better human; I am deeply ashamed that I wasn’t.
 
Unfortunately, as desperately as I wish I could, I cannot take back the words I said. But as a result of the shame and regret this has caused me, I’ve gained insight that otherwise would have likely missed.  By confronting these ugly truths about myself, I am able to recognize the pain I caused, understand why it is so hurtful, and acknowledge that so many people have to live with this pain on a daily basis. I got here by forcing myself to simply listen; truly listen to other’s experiences without trying to give answers or explanations or try to make them feel better....